March 2008
10 posts
2 tags
I hate clay.
S and M and JJ and I did clay masks last night while watch Law and Order SVU and eating cookies. Intense clay masks. Like our faces were burning red after washing it off. Point: since when is clay that intense?! Isn’t wet clay like the weakest matter on the planet. It’s like clay is battling it out with earthworms for the least intimitdating thing around and wins because the worm would...
Yeah, I meant you're creating the confuse-a-thon...
Oh THAT photo… you can bet your bottom dollar it was from that beach bonfire before Max left for gay Pairee. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll send you that photo tomorrow. (And by tomorrow I mean today when I get home.) I’m with you on the Aunty Mame, though. When I had a gay coworker, he made me burn a DVD copy for him cause it was the BEST movie ever! So I went into watching it...
No, you're the one that's confused........
Not the photo that appears on our page, but the smaller image that appears elsewhere. You know what I’m talking about? Anyway, I hate Annie because it’s an annoying movie. It’s like the time I rented Auntie Mame and couldn’t even be bothered to watch it. I also couldn’t be bothered to return it and that stupid movie cost me a lot of money. I have work gas. So the...
Confuse-a-thon
Uh, That photo was from boxing day, wait till I get home; Are you vying for martyr points with that quote thar, O Godly one; It’s not “How can YOU not like the SoM?” it’s “How can you not like it?!” as in of course everybody loves it, duh. Inclusive of the you. And what do you have against Annie? It had better not be the red hair, or leapin’...
Send it to me
Hey, When is that profile picture of us from? It seems old. Send me the non-blacked out version please. -A.N.
I'm a better friend than God
Me: Hey Christy, you're the best.
Christy: You suck.
Me: I understand.
Wait, what?
Did I ever say I didn’t like the Sound of Music? I think you’re thinking of the time I said that I hated “Annie.” Which is true, I do hate Annie. The other day K told me he hates movies in black and white. -A.N.
“Is that mustard face?”
– Universe to A.N.
Shut up yo face
So I think I might still have mustard on my face from my lunch ‘dog. -A.N.
January 2008
21 posts
23 Days
Is that the usual grace period after a death before your deceased lover’s workplace hints at you taking over his old job? -C.N.
Christmas
How can you NOT love the Sound of Music?! It’s like all the problems in the word can be solved by Julie Andrews and her vocal chords. I last watched it on TV on Christmas. (So uplifting after your drunken ex-boyfriend won’t stop calling you and you basically have to inform him he might be an alcoholic and should never talk to you again.) I was with my dad and it was like, HEY TV! cause...
Worse
Sushi from the food court that tastes like a rubberized vagina and costs $12. - A.N.
Worser
The time there was blood on the bathroom walls at work. - A.N.
Which is worse?
1) Co-worker’s lunch smelling like a geriatric hospital just came out of the microwave, complete with loose skin, dead hair, urine and liquid proteins. 2) Someone in the building feeling as though putting the toilet lid down somehow makes up for the fact that they were too lazy to flush a floaty. Or perhaps they were just trying to turn it into a surprise! gift? -C.N.
Glad I'm not this fucked up! or Think she'll have...
Random woman on West Pender: Why are you calling me a fucking bitch?
"Boyfriend": Cause you are one.
Woman: Fuck you, I'm going.
Boyfriend: You fucking bitch.
Woman: Fuck you, leave me alone.
Boyfriend: What do you need to get at Harbour Centre?
Woman: It doesn't matter, I'm going by myself.
Boyfriend: Oh I'm coming with you. You're not leaving my fucking side.
-C.N.
So you want someone to go to school for you?
Via Craigslist: NOTETAKER Note takers are required to attend classes downtown Toronto and in Mississauga -Must have firm grasp of English languages -Must own or have access to a laptop -Must type between 30+wpm Flexible schedules are preferred.
Oh death, you slay me!
I suppose trying to imbibe humour in self-help books is somewhat admirable, but doesn’t it seem a bit wrong in the grieving section? Let’s take a look at some of the gems I found yesterday: The Goldfish Went on Vacation Dying 101 I’m Grieving as Fast as I can Don’t Ask for the Dead Man’s Golf Clubs Good Grief Talking About Death Won’t Kill You Wife After Death...
Sisterly texting - a dialogue in 8 parts.
(As texted on Saturday. Thanks technology.)
Sister: You were adopted
Me: U were born of a jackal
Sister: You were born in chernobyl
Me: U were found in a basket on the river styx.
Sister: That mole on ur butt used to be a tail.
Me: The skin on your face was grafted from your butt.
Sister: In 1976 Man landed on your face.
Me: You caused aids.
- A.N.
“Is that poo face?”
– Universe to A.N.
Ugh
Why do people have to die and get in the way of your otherwise fruitful blogging endeavours?! PS: Bereavment: BEST DIET EVER. - C.N.
There are no words
Stay golden, C.N. -A.N.
Posh rash
I know what pox has plagued your skin. You have either: a.)some thing the scientific name of which i can’t remember, but what amounts to clogged pores due to excessive sweat/blocked pores b.)a heat rash - which is pretty much the same as a. but is directly correlated with being too hot ( i get it all the time because of my scorching beauty - bad joke, but allow me it because k. left the oven...
Next question.
A co-worker of mine just wanted to know. Sheesh. So yesterday I developed this creepy stuff on my otherwise perfect skin. Not just a zit, but more along the lines of this. Like, what the fuck?! ALL OVER MY FACE. I have a few possible ideas for its cause: Alcohol withdrawl The 20-some odd extra-strength ibuprofen I had for breakfast/lunch/dinner (my penance for being a reproductive member of the...
Okay, seriously.
I was just about to send you an email asking if you actually did doodle in your poodles. So, did you? What happened? What did you eat for lunch? Ew nightmare. Does it smell?
“Is that poo?”
– Universe to C.N.
Totally hypothetical answer
Are the pants stained as well as the undergarments? Can you douse the pants with water and soap - tie a shirt around the wet area and get the fuck home? This is a literal, hypothetical right? You didn’t mean like, that you metaphorically shit your pants … right? Also - poopy pants. - A.N.
Hypothetical Question.
Have you ever accidentally shit your pants at work? And if so, how would you go about remedying the situation? Cause I just didn’t.
My job is more important!
Touche! You had me at pig farm. And in case you forgot, I’m at work too! And though your ever important job of photoshopping the back fat off of unsightly tourists (or whatever it is you do) keeps you busy, lest you forget, if I don’t stay focused the state of the entire free world - and democracy - will crumble. Plus, I just got an assignment to write about phony Facebook profiles,...
You're the blackest pot EVER!
I wonder if this is the time to remind you about a certain piece of video journalism you made at the farm of a certain convicted serial killer? If I recall correctly, you burned that beta so as not to ever expose how 51 prostitutes died so YOU could laugh about their scattered remnants in the Langley mud. I wonder what you were on when you made that, as I’m quite certain it wasn’t just...
Do you hear what I hear?
Why don’t you put up a picture of both of us, or none of us? Also, that’s the Holocaust memorial that you’re goofing off in. I guess Anne Frank died so you could take Facebook profile photos in Berlin? - A.N.